Monday, January 11, 2016


Over the past few weeks, everything has felt bittersweet. There is this profound sense something is broken in me, and yet something beautiful is transforming. It is so deep that I wish it would stop and yet, it is wrecking me all at once. It is this weird paradigm. You can't have one without the other. If life were sweet, then you wouldn't have this raw bitter sense that something isn't quite right. 

Running. I love to run. I haven't been able to run, and it's painful not to be in the game with everyone else. As a runner, no matter the injury, you keep on running, unless it's broken. {I'm stubborn}  I can't run. My leg, the right one specifically, is in so much pain at times; I limp to move. Tuesday, I see a doctor, and maybe finally we can figure out what is wrong. Until then, I sit on the sidelines completely benched, resting with a propped up leg. In the resting, I'm learning to be content and that my life doesn't always have to be a three-ring circus. Resting is hard. I have big plans for a race this spring and also a big tour this summer on a bike, and none of those things can happen until a doctor tells me what is going on. I am learning the art of rest and being content in all things. Healing is not on my watch. The waiting STINKS! And yet, it is beautiful because I feel the slow change happening inside of me. It's bittersweet. 

This past weekend proved a lot of bittersweet moments as we began the slow process of cleaning my grandma's home. It's amazing the amount of STUFF we collect over the span of our lives. My Grams was known for being a person who collected things, but I guess we failed to realize how much she saved EVERYTHING. One of the bittersweet moments came when my mom found everything from our Wedding Day. She kept the flowers, the invitation, our bubbles,  the Mickey Mouse Napkin, our Wedding Mickey Program and even the Mickey chocolate wedding favors. She had it all wrapped in a plastic box. Bittersweet. It was a moment that wrecked me. Not because we found this little treasure, but because she FELT the need for it to have its own place in her home safely tucked away. It was special to her. Sacred almost. I was the first and the only grandchild she was able to see married.  Who keeps the chocolate? GRAMS. It felt sweet and bitter. It felt wrong to be looking at it without her there and yet it was beautiful. My mom, sister and I got a huge laugh about it. It was bittersweet. Grace ushered in. 

It feels bittersweet when my friends' lives are transforming before our eyes. Some have kids growing up way too fast, others are purchasing homes, getting married, others have families growing,  friends going through extraordinarily difficult circumstances and we're praying for healing. And yet, there is a sense that these moments are sacred, beautiful, raw and bittersweet. They are once-in-a-lifetime moments that we get to be apart of, where change is happening. It is beautiful.  

Although I can't run, and emotionally we are taking down some great trips into memory lane. Bittersweet moments are ones where brokenness becomes beautiful. Pain becomes joy. Rest becomes content. Chaos becomes peace. Journeys become sacred. Bittersweet is something to be enjoyed and not missed. Change is on the horizon.

As you go throughout your week, I hope you can soak up the bittersweet moments and know that change is on the horizon in your life. Look for the moments, I know you will find them. 

Until we meet again,



Susan P said...

I don't like change. :(
I have a very hard time accepting it and moving on with it.
Life is very bittersweet here, too. I don't like it, because it's change. And I know it will never go "back" to what it was.
And yet, I know that is life. Five years from now will be totally different again, but I don't like the process. I hate the process.

Sarah said...

Oh, I was thinking of your family when I was writing this! I'm not ready either.. Why are they getting so big and we are getting so old?

Karen Seal said...

Girl. You have me in tears. The story of your findings at your grandmothers house reminds me of something I would have found at mine. you are right about the bittersweet moments - we need to embrace them and learn to appreciate them! I hope the doctor can give you some answers!! ((Hugs))

Sarah said...

Oh, sweet Karen!! Grandma's are the best! I hope you are finding them throughout your pregnancy! I'll keep you posted on the leg.