Thursday, August 20, 2015

Why can't we talk about Babies?

One look at Facebook, and instantly the mass feed of people announcing their pregnant. Somehow, it has been a busy spring/summer for couples and families. One after another. Last night, I counted four announcements in a row on my FEED.. Seriously people?  Many are expecting new bundles of joy that come only in pink and blue. While their announcements are cute, way over the top and for some, it's their first child,
the rest of us..

 Well, we tend to {cringe} and scroll past, IMMEDIATELY! It's a constant reminder of what we don't have. A sense of loss, a feeling of not belonging and a gaping wound. Unfortunately or fortunately, however one chooses to look at the situation, I have had to choose a different road when it comes to having my own children. I shared last week on my blog, I took some time off from blogging about my "real life" because I couldn't be authentic with ya'll. Well, here it comes unleashed..

As I have shared, running is therapeutic and it has also helped places in my life where healing needs to take place. The place I am in right now, is no different and healing begins every-time I lace up my running shoes, head out the door or climb on the treadmill to get some miles in. Running is healing.

Most of you know I have Epilepsy. If you didn't, sorry I dropped that on you, but it is what it is, and God is bigger. I bleed purple and I am #purplestrong., In July, I met with my Epilepiologist (he specializes in epilepsy) to discuss and transition going off medication. 


So, I started the process of going off my medication as recommended by my physician. My body was doing fine for about a week, but then I started to get the funny feelings again and I knew I had to go back on the medication or I would start experiencing seizures. Here is the thing, when you know your body, you don't mess with it... All of this to say, I can't be on the medication and be pregnant due to the type of medication and the high risks. It's just not right. Even if we fast forwarded and I was off the medication without seizures, there are huge risks, but I also know a God who is all powerful, big on risks if he chose that road for me. 

Fast forward... It means... A different road for children. Do I believe that God could heal me of these seizures, TOTALLY! I hope he does it because it would be awesome! However, I also believe that he doesn't do things the way we want or expect and sometimes we trust him blindly because he has something BETTER. That said, NO, I don't want to hear about your BABY announcement, No I don't want to talk about your PREGNANCY, and No I won't come to your baby SHOWER. If I talk to you about your Baby, pregnancy or any thing of that matter, consider it a gift because somehow God has given me enough grace for that moment. 

Tears are shed in our house quite often, I have had to stay away from all things that start with the letter B and end in Y. If someone starts complaining about their kids, I just tune them out because they don't understand the gift they have in front of them. Especially for those of us traveling a COMPLETELY different road.. Many of you know exactly the club I am in and it's not a membership we're all standing in line to sign up for. 

Time and perspective are everything. I have had both. After miles of pounding the pavement and excessive sweat, healing continues to happen, but the miles have given me the perspective of this....

Maybe kids aren't suppose to happen exactly the way I think they are supposed to happen. We dream of bellies, birth announcements, eating whatever we want for 9 months, sleeping wherever we can to find cat naps, shopping for cute clothes and coming up with names or any other perks that come with being "pregnant."  His plans are always better than mine. He's got children that need a mom, and they will be perfect for us. They will find their forever family in us. Maybe we will find them through adoption, maybe we will get pregnant by his grace or maybe someone will carry a child for us. Whatever the answer is, it's bigger than us, it's better than my dream and eventually, I will have complete peace about it. Sometimes you just have to run and sweat to get some good perspective about life. Ya know what I'm SAYING? 

Maybe you're like me and you can't see the full picture of how your story will turn out, but you can't talk babies right now.. I get it.. I sincerely apologize. Maybe you've lost a child and I can't imagine the pain you've been through or  are currently experiencing the loss, but know you always have a friend right here (raises hand) who welcomes you with an outstretched hand, an open door and a huge hug. It sucks, no way around it, but I know someone who takes our ashes and trades them in for beauty. 

He comes with an open door policy, no physical running required, he just wants us to give our burdens to him, he'll do the heaving lifting if we just have faith as small as a mustard seed, he'll be faithful in his promises and move mountains.

I apologize for my absence on the blog. Thanks for sticking it out with me. I am sure this will not be the last post about "Why we can't talk about babies in our household", but each day it continues to get better. Love to all of you! Happy Thursday/ late Friday Night! 


KelseyJ said...

I love you, kiddo! Thanks for sharing your heart. And I'm here anytime you need anything.

Sarah said...

Love you, too! :) Tell Bruce, I am okay about meeting his child!