Friday, April 5, 2013

Deafening Fear

I haven't blogged in the last few days because I have been down, really down..

After two years of victory, I thought we were over this.. I thought we had passed this... I looked back and can't believe my body endured 26.2 miles on a UTI.. This should have happened then, but it didn't!

I've been living life, like this  didn't exist, knowing it was there the whole time, but deafening the doubt in my mind. I've been living in freedom...

The freedom has been AMAZING!

And isn't it amazing how five seconds can change your whole frame of mind?
How you can go from thinking you're capable of anything to feeling like you'll never do it again..

Wednesday I woke up feeling ICKY.. As I look back, that was the first indicator and has always been a warning sign.. I ignored it, took my half pill and went on my merry little way.. Feeling exhausted, I needed to get myself going and I knew I had a BUSY day, so I shrugged the feeling off.. Two hours later, I felt it and wished I would have LISTENED!

All of a sudden, a rush came over my body and I knew what was coming. I went to grab my purse to find the emergency stash. I felt the bottle in the palm of my hand, but I was too late.. I could feel the black coming, I felt like throwing up everywhere. I started going deaf and then darkness came over me.. 

It's the scariest thing. 


Not having any control.

5 seconds later, I was completely on the ground and with a bloody elbow.. I realized, it happened. I just lost a piece of my life. It was seconds unaccounted for..


No one prepares you for the endless thoughts that go through your mind, the safety concerns, the doubts of your ability to function or the life you could have if this keeps rearing its ugly head.

I've been angry.

Pissed, actually.

I've come this far. 
I've build a life. I'm in a place where I am enjoying my career, learning and making a difference in the lives of children.

I've come to  this place in my running. I've felt completely free.. Although I am recovering from injuries, which are frustrating, I haven't let it determine my attitude or love for running.. It's just fueling the reasons to get back out there.. I've been free..

One moment has left me paralyzed this week. I act on the outside like I'm okay because I have to be tough for others, I need them not to worry and we can't do anything for this.. 

I pick myself up, take my medication, reduce stress, get enough sleep and keep moving.

Keeping up with the spirit of moving on, I went to Yoga class on Wednesday night, even though I probably shouldn't have. Yesterday, I walked around outside and spent time making some online purchases.. 

It will work out.. Although I am in a weak spot, this isn't over. 

I'm strong.

Question: What challenges in life do you face? How do you overcome them?


Angela said...

Oh, Sarah, that sounds absolutely scary and also maddening. I hope everything turns out okay. From what I have learned about you, you are a determined woman and will fight for what you want.

What do I fear? Sigh....
On a daily basis, I selfishly fear that I won't have time for ME. Too many chores, too many kids, too many responsibilities. My husband is in his busy season at work; I rarely see him, I rarely get help with the kids, and I have missed two runs this week and lots of sleep.
But on a longer-term basis, I worry about my almost-five-year-old son Benjamin, who has Down syndrome. I love him with all my heart, but he will always live with me. I am not sure if he will ever really talk or communicate with me. I worry about him, then I worry about OUR plans, then I feel guilty for that. I just have to place it all in God's hands and trust that He knows best.
Easier said than done, though.

Melanie Eccles said...

Oh Sarah, I am hurting for you big time. My sister deals with seizures and I can't imagine livin in that kind of fear. I am so sorry this fear and anger have reappeared in your life. I am praying for you--for freedom from this physical problem and the psycho-spiritual ones that accompany it.

Britt said...

Poor girl! That is scary! I'm soo sorry! Scary! The good news is that you haven't had one in a long time and maybe it'll be another really long time before you have another. I know you live life to the fullest everyday! You are incredible for not letting the potential of a seizure keep you home and bored!

Sarah said...

Dear friends, your words of encouragement are a blessing. I know that he goes before me and stand behind me.. I will keep the fight..

Angela, I can't imagine the burden and joy it is to be Benjamin's mother. I imagine the guilt and fear can be paralyzing at moments. However, I also know that he could be so successful and God could have such a big plans for him. Maybe a talented singer or artist or maybe a simple smile from him will change the life of another. You just never know! Stay hopeful!

Mel, I didn't know that about your sister.. Younger???

Britt, I love you.. Maybe Colorado soon.. Waiting to hear back.. I'll keep you posted.. nothing is public knowledge of anything yet..

Two Runners Travel said...

I can't imagine how scary and frustrating this must be, Sarah. I'm sorry this happened to you this week. You are a motivated, smart girl...heck, you finished a marathon so you can conquer anything! Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. Be good to yourself - do something that makes you happy this weekend. :)
xo, Christine

Sarah said...

Oh, Christine! Thanks for the hugs and prayers!