Sunday, August 8, 2010

In the Weight of the Deepest, Darkest Storms, may Running be your Light

My biggest life struggle is weight. Some of you get it, others of you may not. Weight has been a struggle ever since I was a teenager. I remember being teased or feeling like I was huge elephant in the room. I have struggled with weight, for as long as I can remember.  In college, I had the biggest battle with weight and food. I had gained "the freshman fifteen", but more like the freshman thirty. At my heaviest weight, I was around 180 and a size 15.

At that point, I could no longer love myself, nor allow other to look at me. I remember I took drastic measures to drop the pounds, which worked, but were not the most healthiest ways of losing weight. I had cut calories, skipped meals, meat only diets, ect. I had tried it all and felt so unfulfilled, until I started running.

At first, I couldn't even run for five minutes, without feeling winded. At Spring Arbor, the P-Loop was the big deal there. I remember during my first run, I couldn't even make half of the P-Loop without getting winded. I felt so terrible, but I remember feeling like I was on a high for a few seconds. I remember going running again, again and again. I started entering races, and continued to challenge myself. Running became therapy emotionally, physically and spiritually. As I continued to gain strength physically, I emotionally became so determined to lose weight. As long as I was running, I was eating and dropping weight. I remember feeling connected to God and often utilizing running as time of prayer, reflection and deep thought.

 The minute I stopped running, was the minute I became stupid about my eating patterns. If I was running, I was eating good and not have problems with my Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS). IBS is when the large bowl contracts and has spasms, which is caused due to emotional stress.

 Before the wedding, I hadn't had a flare up because I was running like crazy. In one week, I put in over thirty miles, but since we got back from our honeymoon, I have had a very difficult time finding motivation to run or workout. Inturn, I have gained a lot of weight because I have been drinking caffeine, which is a huge NO NO for an IBS sufferer. I have been bloated and look like a cow.. I am not joking or being dramatic.. I look PREGNANT!

I think this whole not finding a job thing is causing huge emotional stress. I have had huge flare ups and having been taking Miralax to ease the situation, but it still isn't helping.. This morning I went running and was winded after 10 minutes. I feel like I am the teenager in the 180 lb body again. I know that I am not and have maintained my size 10 figure, but I feel very bad about myself. I have found my self-esteem has been sliding because I am so bloated and feeling icky.. 

This mornings 2mile run was light to my path. It felt like all of the sudden, I was no longer falling apart, but being rebuilt back together again. All the sudden, I was on solid ground and running into God's faithful arms.

Their will be storms in this life, but with him, weight and body image can be conquered.
I hope to continue with training for a marathon.

1 comment:

KelseyJ said...

When I got my new computer, I lost your blog address. So glad I found you again! :) Maybe I can find you in real life sometime too!